Timothy Tidwhistle is an assumed name, but rest assured he is a very real person. If you need advice send us a message at holler@thelouisvillepaper.com
My husband has grown his beard out very Grizzly Adams bushy. I’m not thrilled with the look, but I don’t feel like I can ask him to shave it off. After all, I wouldn’t want him to tell me how to style my hair. Kissing is very prickly. What should I do?
Ducky, I want to tell you. Men that grow beards, I don’t know if they’re hiding something, or if they’re too damn lazy to shave. I’ve decided that they must have realized they have a weak jaw… a weak chin… something’s weak, and they’re also just too lazy to shave. Shaving is difficult! Why don’t you just grow hair under your arms, on your legs, and any other place you can grow it, and see how he likes it. Tell him you’re not shaving until he does. And if you can grow a moustache, I’m even happier for you, ‘cause your man loves hair.
Every time I watch a movie with a strong, handsome male lead, I get really annoyed that my boyfriend is not more like them. Should I find a new boyfriend or just stop watching these movies?
Have you looked at the female leads? Do YOU look like any of the female leads? Do you have perfect skin, ideal teeth, eyes like pools of blue in the Aegean sea? Do you have the most fabulous body there ever was?
I doubt it. So quit trying to pair yourself up with a leading man, unless you’re a leading woman. Also, so what, leading men are probably dumber than goats and so are leading women. Enjoy what you got and be grateful you even have a man. Quit being so greedy.
Sometimes I dream of giving up most of my possessions and traveling around the world. But I never do. Does this mean I’m living an unfulfilled life? That I’m not self-realized or something? And should I be concerned about this?
Everybody has that dream. And if everyone went after it, nobody would be at home. Think of it: a whole world full of wandering street people. No possessions, just a backpack on their back. It would be great. I do think, however, our politicians would get upset because no one would be buying all that junk from China, making the rich richer and the poor poorer. You gotta have a bunch of junk, girl, it’s your responsibility to keep our economy alive! Don’t forget it: everybody has the dream, but if we all did it, we’d be happy, free, and hungry.
Ever since my little brother went off to college, my mom calls me at least twice a day (at work!) just to “chat.” And then she wants to have lunch later in the week. And then get together for coffee on the weekends. How do I get her off my back without sending her into a post-menopausal meltdown?
So your brother’s gone to college. Clearly you can’t be that old. You’re lucky she likes you. If you’re not willing to spend a little time with her, then tell her you’re going to put her in a home, and you’ll come visit her twice a year. You’ll come on Christmas and on her birthday. Then she’ll realize what a selfish little wench you are, and stop bothering you.
I am a minimalist living with a hoarder. Do you have any tips for giving/throwing away his stuff without him noticing?
Complication. Complication. Complication. He likes stuff, and you don’t. That’s really a pretty difficult situation. I’ve often thought it would be great to live in a bunker near the ocean. The kind of place where you just take the rug up twice a year and hose it out. No windows, door, anything. Now, that would be minimal. But it wouldn’t last long for me because I’m one of those people that likes stuff. Framed photographs, books, cds, sculpture, art, furniture, linens, napkins, flatware, silverware, pots, pans… it’s kind of like the Goodwill, you know what I mean? It has a little bit of everything. So, unfortunately, you’re going to have to get rid of him and join the monastery. Will they take you out there at that place where they make the cheese and fruitcake?
Bikini season is right around the corner, but I have developed what seems to be a nasty addiction to chocolate covered almonds with sea salt from Trader Joes and minty, milky coffee concoctions from the coffee shop. I want to look great while swimming and sunning at the quarry this summer, but I can’t seem to put down the treats. Can you have your cake and eat it too?
No. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. No, no, no, no, no, it’s not possible. Every one of those chocolate covered almonds is going to look like a little dimple on your arse, and that’s just the way it goes, sister. You have to exercise a great deal, climb mountains, run to work, ride a bike to Bloomington and back everyday, and then you’ll be nice and thin. But until you do all that, relax! Not everybody is supposed to have a beautiful body. If they did, the Kardashians would be out of business! We can’t have it! Now, they eat, and it shows up, but it shows up in their arse, but they have nice arses! If you have a beautiful arse, go for it… you can use it for flotation at the quarry.
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