As an apartment dweller, I don’t have much available space to work on my tan. Is it inappropriate for me to take my folding lounge chair to the apartment building’s front lawn?
What the hell is the matter with you? Yes, it’s inappropriate! At least go to a park and put a towel down in a field. Do not put your va-jay-jay out on the street!What would make you think that it is OK to sit down on the street, in your little bathing suit, with your Diet Coke, on some ragged little chaise lounge? Do you want to scare children coming by on their strollers?I’m hoping that if you do proceed with this plan, your lounge chair folds up on you. That’s what you need. Even better, perhaps a dog will come by and mistake you for a horizontal fire hydrant. Keep your butt in your bathing suit and off the street!
I’m leaving for a vacation in a couple weeks. Can you recommend some beachy summer reads?
Did you mean beachy or bitchy? If you meant bitchy, you’re in the right place. If you meant beachy, however: Why can’t you go to the bookstore and ask them? They’re knowledgeable! They’ll be able to take one look at you and tell whether you’re an intellectual, a crack ho, or maybe just a dumb housewife.
Now, before you fly off the handle, don’t take me the wrong way. Not all housewives are dumb. And that is not what I am saying. I am saying that the staff at a bookstore will know what to give you to read this summer. I don’t know what to tell you, really. Go to the bookstore, preferably a privately owned local one. They will know what to tell you. I don’t. Although I will leave you with this: Avoid the books of the “Fifty Shades [of Grey]” variety that seem to be so popular right now. If you were looking to me for permission to read that mess, you’re definitely in the wrong place. Have a good summer!
My husband and I want to go to Miami later this summer. I want to fly. He wants to drive. Could you cast the deciding vote?
Why are the two of you married if you can’t decide how to travel? How do you make the rest of your decisions? Do you make a list and throw darts at it? Who ever heard of two people who couldn’t decide whether to fly or drive?
Besides, which of you is in control? Someone always is in control in a relationship. That person that is in control is either going to fly or drive, but they are going to make the decision. And the other one is going to go with them.
Or perhaps one of you can fly and the other can drive. Go separately. Who cares when you arrive or if you arrive together? I don’t care if you go by UPS! You’ll just arrive and be stricken with indecision about whether to eat or go to the beach.
I will leave you with this piece of advice, however: Pack less and take more money. Have a good trip.
My coworker has an uncontrollable nose hair problem. His nose hairs sprout out all over the place! I am not sure that he realizes how gross it is. Do I tell him, or do I keep the information to myself?
Does he smoke? Just offer to light his cigarette with a blow torch. That will take care of things.
Honestly, it’s kind of a touchy thing. There are a lot of people that have no sense of personal grooming. They just don’t. They have dirty fingernails. Or maybe they have gross hair sprouting out of their ears and their nose. It’s just not OK, but I don’t know if you can tell him.
I might collect a few photographs of homeless people, hang them on the wall, and ask him, “What do these people have in common? Other than, of course, the fact that they are homeless? They have a great deal of hair growing out of their nose! Can you believe it? This common denominator is amazing!” Maybe he’ll take the hint. It’s not as subtle as it should be, but neither is his nose hair.
It seems that, as of late, Louisville wins one abstract, quantitatively immeasurable award after another. The latest in this string is Most Livable City in America.
Between my allergies trying to kill me and cars trying to run me over as I ride my bike, this city doesn’t strike me as incredibly livable. However, I’m new to town. You’ve been here longer than I have. What do you think?
Well, we do live in a valley. I don’t care what anyone says. It’s bad for your eyes, your ears, your nose, and I’m not completely convinced it isn’t bad for your complexion. You can go up into the Knobs in the summer and look back at Louisville, covered in a blanket of humidity and toxic fumes.
There are places within this city that are dangerous, in all sorts of ways, and I sincerely hope that that gets addressed.
Wet blankets aside, I truly do think this is a lovely place to live. We have great parks, a great orchestra, opera, theater. Culturally, we are phenomenal. I truly believe that. We have preserved much of the city’s character. Cherokee Triangle, for example, is divine. There is much more to preserve and protect, however, in order to maintain the city’s history. Our responsibility to better the place we live is never-ending.
It is a lovely place to live, although I am not sure that I would call this the most – well, what the heck? Give it to them. Delusion and denial both start with a D, as does dense. If they want to believe it, I don’t see the problem with that.
TIMOTHY TIDWHISTLE IS AN ASSUMED NAME, BUT REST ASSURED HE IS A VERY REAL PERSON. IF YOU NEED ADVICE SEND US A MESSAGE AT HOLLER@THELOUISVILLEPAPER.COM
—MGMT.
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