Dearest Timothy,
Halloween is over, but I have some serious post-holiday blues. Here’s the issue: I have always been too self-conscious to wear one of those overtly sexy Halloween costumes, but I have always really wanted to go for it. I’m not getting any younger. Halloween 2013 will be my last Halloween before I’m 30. Should I throw caution to the wind and wear something skintight and midriff-baring next year? Or should I keep my tummy to myself and devise another demure yet clever costume?
This is the saddest story I’ve ever heard. You consider yourself over the limit at 30? My god, have you been ridden that hard and put up that wet? Most women don’t reach their prime until they’re 40 – that’s when they’re their most beautiful. Do you have a degenerative beauty disorder? What the hell? If you are so self-conscious and don’t want to show your belly, you don’t have to. If my body had been that bad at 30, I would have covered it all the way to the ground. Go as Marie Antoinette, wig and all. Listen, I wish you luck. You really shouldn’t even be worried about this. How could you possibly be worried about looking that bad at 30? What happened to you, girl? You’re very insecure. Something’s wrong with you. You need to go to therapy, but a physical therapist – someone that can remake you into a slut. My blessings.
My husband is a sweet, mild mannered man – until he gets behind the wheel. Suddenly, my quiet companion morphs into a shouting, honking, middle finger machine gun. The moment he gets out of the car, he’s back to normal. I don’t want to resort to driving separate cars everywhere we go. Do you have any suggestions for helping him control his road rage?
One good move would be for you to go to the zoo and take one of their – oh, what do they call it? Oh, yes – elephant tranquilizer guns. Then, before you get in the car, you shoot him in the derriere and calm that mother down! That’s the only thing to do. It’s very difficult for men to keep their cool while driving. I personally don’t give the finger anymore, because you never know who is going to pop a cap in your boo-tay. I just smile and give them the OK signal, like, “It’s OK, cut me off!” We could all use a little driver’s ed refresher. Perhaps you could lobby the mayor to start a new driver’s ed program that is televised? Perhaps that would help your husband calm down a bit.
Otherwise, maybe you guys need to have a night out with a lot of wine and whatever happens after that could calm him down a bit. Do something about it. I would not advise you, however, to do it while he’s driving.
I’m hosting Thanksgiving dinner for my family this year and I really want to impress them. What are your favorite Thanksgiving dishes and do you have any hosting tips to share?
Who do you think I am? Martha Stewart? Betty Crocker? Are you kidding? We all have our favorite things to have for Thanksgiving. And they are always the things that no one else wants to eat. My favorite, for instance, is pureed Brussels sprouts. They are the most beautiful color. And the people who hate Brussels sprouts will eat them and say, “Oh, they’re really good!” Then you tell them what they are and they almost gag and throw up.
But back to the point: Don’t you have any cookbooks? Don’t you get magazines? Why are you asking me? Are you having a hard time with life, girl? Did you flunk home ec? Did your mother just buy you TV dinners? What is wrong with you? It’s a little late for you to start now. Why don’t you just go to a specialty store and get the entire Thanksgiving dinner from them? They’ll pack it up, you take it home, put it on your dishes, and act like you cooked it. That’s the only solution for you. Put that in your saucepan and lick it.
Each year, as the days get shorter, I inevitably become a hermit. Do you have any suggestions for fighting the urge to rush home from work, slip on my pjs, and burrow into a pile of blankets on the couch?
There’s this thing in the animal kingdom – it’s called hibernation. You seem to have forgotten that you are an animal. When the sun goes down, your body tells you to get warm and go to sleep. Can you imagine living in those places up north where it’s dark for six months at a time? Come on. It’s very natural. If you don’t want to do it, you have to work against it. You have to say to yourself, “I am going to a play/the opera/the ballet/the movies. I am going to cook a delicious Thanksgiving meal and invite that poor girl that can’t cook and doesn’t know how to do anything to eat it with me!” Really, you’re sad. It’s as simple as getting off the couch and getting busy. If that’s what you want, you just have to do it. I will say, however, that a comforter is really named properly. A fluffy down comforter wrapped around you when it’s dreary and cold is a great idea. Go to bed, girl. Take a nap. I’ll send you a note when it’s time to wake up in the spring.
I have a friend who just stopped drinking (a much needed positive decision), but I am struggling with ideas for what to do when we hang out. What do people do when they don’t go to bars?
Where do you live – in a bar? All your friends are in bars? It sounds like a good thing that he left your crowd. Relax. There are millions of people who don’t drink. They’re interesting, talented, clever, intelligent, and they don’t know you at all – because you’re in a bar.
I have a big crush on the new girl at work, but I can’t work up the nerve to talk to her. How do I get over myself and ask her out – or at least say hello?
If you have a job, you are at least 16 years of age. In your case, you’re probably about 40. They made that movie about you – “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.” If you don’t know how to approach a girl by now, no one is going to be able to help you. There are a million ways to do it and I’m not going to tell you one of them. You need some self-assurance. Did you not talk to any girls when you were in school? Did you not have a mother, a sister, a grandmother? Women are not monsters; they’re just weird. They’re from another planet, true, but they’re not monsters. Just talk to her as if she’s a relative. How have you not talked to any females your whole life? You’re either very lucky or very damned. Anyway, just do it. Not all the way, but just do it.
TIMOTHY TIDWHISTLE IS AN ASSUMED NAME, BUT REST ASSURED HE IS A VERY REAL PERSON. IF YOU NEED
ADVICE, SEND US A MESSAGE AT HOLLER@THELOUISVILLEPAPER.COM
—MGMT.
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