Timothy,
Can you settle an argument between a coworker and myself? When out to lunch, she always asks for a cup for water and fills it up with seltzer. I think that she is stealing – she should be paying for a soda, not taking a free water cup. She thinks it’s all the same. Who is right?
Wait, where is she getting the seltzer? Out of the machine? That’s what I thought. She’s a fucking thief! They need to lock that bitch up! No, no, no. If she were truly getting water, that would be fine. There wouldn’t be anything wrong with it. But you’re right! She doesn’t get to get something out of the machine for free. They pay for that seltzer, you know. At this rate, she’ll be walking in and grabbing a big ol’ taco from behind the counter. What is her problem? Where does she get her underwear, the Goodwill? Let me guess, she walks in, puts on 20 pair, and leaves. Nasty! No! Pay for your seltzer. You are cheap, cheap, cheap! Pay for it!
My girlfriend wants to toss out the Christmas tree and box up all the decorations every year on the 26th, insisting it’s bad luck to start a new year with last year’s ephemera. I would rather spend a few more days enjoying the holidays. Besides, I was raised in a Catholic household and my Mom always said that Christmas doesn’t end until January 6th when the Magi arrived. Magi or no Magi, I just want a few extra days of fresh pine smell in the house. How do I convince her to let me have a few more days of Christmas magic?
First of all, she’s anal-retentive. Second of all, she doesn’t have any holiday spirit. Third, why does she put it up to begin with? Does she put the decorations up the night before Christmas and take it down the morning after? You tell her she needs to have her turkey re-stuffed. She is way too uptight. Leave the damn stuff up for a while. If you’re going to go through all the trouble of getting the stuff out and putting it up, you can at least leave it until the day after New Year’s. No, you don’t take the decorations down the day after the holiday. What, does she give the turkey leftovers to the dog because she doesn’t want to be reminded of the season? What is her problem? No, actually – what is your problem? Why are you living with someone that is that anal-retentive?
Every year, a group of girlfriends and I take a long weekend for a girls’ trip. This year, we’ve become great friends with a darling woman who just moved to town and we were all very excited to invite her along. However, I was stunned by her answer: She said that she does not travel without her husband – ever. Now we’re torn. Some of us want to let her bring him if he promises to not tag along everywhere we go, while others insist letting him come will ruin the whole trip. What should we do?
Number one, you have to check to be sure he has a penis. If only vaginas are going on this trip, he can’t go. He doesn’t have one! It doesn’t matter what she says. You don’t need her in your group. When you all go to the bathroom together, does he tag along? What is wrong with her? Really! What is wrong with him? She needs to get away from him and he needs to get away from her. Better yet, every one of you needs to get away from both of them. If someone can’t go anywhere without their husband or wife – no, no, no, no – the next thing you know, they’ll be serial killers. Stay away from those nutcases.
I’m a bit obsessed with sustainability. I always try to be as conservative as possible in terms of my resource consumption and impact on the earth. My husband, however, is an absent-minded, resource-guzzling machine. He is constantly leaving lights on, putting recyclables in the trash, and leaving his car idling. I love the guy, but I don’t know how to come to terms with his wasteful habits. And thus far I have been unsuccessful in my quest to get him to change. Do I just need to consider our carbon footprint balanced out between the two of us and let it go?
Some people care very deeply about the planet and some don’t give a damn. You married one of the latter. That was your choice. You cannot change him. He is the way he is and he will always be that way. You either need to get over it or recycle him. There’s your answer. Just take him to the recycling facility and say, “I would like to exchange this for a more environmentally friendly model.” Until you do that, get over it.
People don’t marry people to be changed. You get what you get, full force. In fact, you always get more than you bargained for. Finally, have you heard what the Native Americans did with their placentas? Are you going to start doing that too?
One of my oldest friends has a very biting sense of humor. I’ve known her for years, so I have come to know and appreciate her sharp tongue, but she tends to turn people off with her borderline mean jokes when she meets them for the first time. I’ve started to avoid going out with her, even though I love her very much. How can I get her to rein it in without having her turn against me?
Oh, god. Why is it that everyone wants to change people? If you don’t want to go out with her, don’t go out with her. Don’t feel sorry for yourself because she won’t change to suit your friends. I mean, if she has a great sense of humor and they don’t get it, just forget it. Oscar Wilde said, “If you don’t have a sense of humor, you don’t belong on this planet.” It’s the truth too. This place is a nightmare. And if you don’t have a sense of humor – and they don’t have a sense of humor – what are you doing here anyway? I’d rather have one friend that has a sense of humor than 50 so-called friends who got upset because someone asked, “Where did you get those clothes – from the clown trunk?” To hell with them. Get on with it. Live and let live. If they don’t like her, that’s fine. If you like her, great. But don’t start with this “rein it in” stuff. What, you put filters on people like you put a filter on your faucet? You’re going to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond – by the way, where the hell is Beyond? – buy a filter, and plug it in her mouth so she will be sweet and adorable to all your new friends? And then all your new friends will think you’re a dear, pleasant person when, in reality, you want to say the same things she does, but you’re just too chicken. You’re terrible.
TIMOTHY TIDWHISTLE IS AN ASSUMED NAME, BUT REST ASSURED HE IS A VERY REAL PERSON. IF YOU NEED
ADVICE, SEND US A MESSAGE AT HOLLER@THELOUISVILLEPAPER.COM
—MGMT.
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