Timothy Tidwhistle is an assumed name, but rest assured he is a very real person.
He is not a professional therapist or by any means a licensed advice giver. He does, however, seem to dish it out more often than not. He joins us again this month to help answer some of our readers’ hard questions about the holidays.
If you need advice send us a message at holler@thelouisvillepaper.com
—Mgmt.
I’ve been invited to my girlfriend’s family’s Christmas this year, but I’m pretty much allergic to all foods. What is a polite way to decline a meal without being rude?
There is no polite way to decline a meal without being rude if you’re allergic to everything. Basically, you’re going to need to take your own dinner. Pack it up.
You know, you must be from another planet. Maybe you should just get some space food. The thing about people who are allergic to foods is they need to figure out WHY, and then do something about it. Maybe you can have a new stomach by Christmas, or, this is a novel idea, just don’t go. Save everyone a lot of trouble. Tell her you’re allergic to her family. Forget the food!
I found a really awesome gift for my boyfriend this year, but it just so happens that I found it in the dumpster. Does that matter? It’s the thought that counts, right?
Nothing that’s worth giving as a present should be wasted, don’t ever forget that. I don’t care if you wrap up some road kill… somebody’s going to appreciate it. He’s lucky to get anything from you. Besides, let’s be honest, this relationship probably started behind a dumpster and it’s going to end up IN the dumpster. The dumpster gift seems apropos.
I found a great gift for my boss this year, but it’s slightly inappropriate. She usually has a sense of humor, so should I give it to her and risk being canned?
You’re not ok. No, you don’t give her something that could get you fired. Actually, why don’t you just go ahead and give it to her? You’re not smart enough to be working for her anyway. The thing is, she may love it, she may not. If she doesn’t, just forget about it, because she’s going to forget about your job. Move on, sister.
I really love that cranberry sauce that comes from a can, the shape, the texture, it’s just perfect. My significant other thinks this is sacrilege and wants freshly prepared cranberry sauce, or no holiday meal. It’s putting distance between us and we’re thinking of going to couples therapy. Have any thoughts on an easy reconciliation?
You’ve gotta be kidding me. You’re going to therapy over a can of cranberry sauce? Neither one of you have a brain in your friggin’ head. I mean, you can have your sauce, and he can heave his berries. Don’t be an idiot, just deal with it.
What is the safest way to gift wrap a puppy?
There is no safe way, and you shouldn’t be giving puppies as gifts. and I feel sorry for the dog! The people may not want it. Why don’t you just gift wrap yourself; nobody wants you, either!
My friend is a huge fan of Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade cooking show. How do I tell her that a meal made of frozen tater tots,
Jell-o and Cool Whip isn’t appropriate to serve for the holidays, no matter how great your ‘tablescape’ is?
Ugh. Tablescape, my jolly red nose. It doesn’t matter how you decorate it; a piece of crap is a piece of crap. If that’s what she thinks is good food, I don’t know why anyone would even associate with her. Actually, that’s a great idea. She needs to eat all the junk food she can, because the more she eats, the sooner she’ll be gone, and no one will have to put up with her ‘gourmet’ dinners.
How do I get my crush under the mistletoe?
I mean, honestly. Your crush? Under the mistletoe? If you’re that desperate, you would probably kiss anyone under the mistletoe. One thing you could do, since you’re so desperate, is you could hit him with your car, and then you could roll his wheelchair under the mistletoe, so you can guarantee your little lip-lock. That’ll be the only way you’ll get him under there.
What is your policy on regifting?
Regifting. Somebody gives you an ugly-ass present, and you want to give it to somebody else. Well, I think that’s a good idea, if you really don’t like the person. I think regifting is great for acquaintances, or people you don’t really want to buy a present for. They give you some asinine thing they made or cooked up, and you feel like you owe them something… give them some crap somebody else gave you. But don’t do that to a friend, or someone you truly care for… you should at the very least go to the Goodwill and buy them something.
What is the least amount of time I can acceptably spend with my family at the holidays?
ZERO. That’s perfect. You do not have to spend time with your family. If you don’t like your family, don’t spend time with them. They don’t deserve any more time than somebody that would beat you up in the parking lot of the White Castle. Unless they deserve your time, don’t give it to them. It happens in the best of families. If they irritate you, and they ruin the holidays for you, you have to stop. Break the chain. Break the chain. They are not helping you, they’re not doing anything for you, and you don’t like them. You don’t have to like your relatives. You don’t even have to love them. You surely don’t have to spend any time with them.
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