How to build a bridge (or two)

At last, progress on the bridges. Kentucky will work on them Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, Indiana on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Or something like that, anyway. Good news, sure, but I couldn’t help noticing John Yarmuth’s frequent and emphasized use of the word “tentative” as he announced this latest scheme. Even under the best of circumstances any ribbon cutting is many years out.

Well, I look at things just a little differently. As only one example I offer my research work on a Kosher bacon cheeseburger. As I see it, the next best thing to now is soon, and so here are my ideas on just how to get a bridge over the Ohio, pronto! (This opportunity to serve my community is thanks enough, so, please, withhold your accolades.)

Rip off Hollywood

Use the “Field of Dreams” concept backwards. Instead of “build it and he will come” let’s go with “have them come and they will build it.” The way I see it, people would drive up to where the bridge will be, creating a gridlock that will simply grow day by day, and then city, state and fed suits will bloody well see what’s what and build the bridge lickety-split. Priority one. No sooner said than done.

But then, I never actually saw “Field of Dreams.” Apparently some guy builds a ballpark in a cornfield and then some ball players from long ago emerge from the stalks. This answer from another plane is clearly based on proximity to magic energy rays emanating from agricultural production, which I guess would require plowing up the Great Lawn. Well, maybe not the best idea.

The H.G. Wells Factor

OK, first we build a time machine, which will cost less than what we’ve already spent on bridge studies and consulting fees. Then we’ll send someone to the 24th century. Then that person will find a way to get aboard the Enterprise. Then that person will steal a replicator from the Enterprise and bring it back here. Or now. Whatever. Then we’ll dress up Barry Bernson as Jean Luc Picard and have him say, “Computah, one bridge with lemon, no cream.” Piece o’ cake.

This is fun! Now we are smokin’! OK, check these out these further gems.

Rip off Hollywood, The Sequel

Here’s the deal – we collect the tolls first! Totally! This would be sort of like “Minority Report.” First, we find three wan, spindly people – you know, art students – who can float around in that Waterfront spillway thing and telepsychically figure out who would use the bridge if it actually existed. That’s probably the hard part. But it’d be worth it ‘cause the easy part is just sending those drivers monthly statements now for their future crossings then. Heck, we’ll have billions in no time!

Do a Look Around on that Intrawebs Thing

We’ll have all fifty-two folks who ran for mayor but didn’t win scan the free classification on craigslist, on a rotating basis, of course, for an ad that reads something like this: Bridge, in my driveway, just come pick it up. But it’s not like we’d have to get one of our own parks department trucks with the little crane on back to go get it. No. See, the deal is we’ll call up Jeffersonville and say, “Hey, how’s it goin’, J’ville, over there on the sunny side. By the way, did you happen to see the free bridge on craigslist? We don’t know, just thought you might be interested. We’re really busy over here what with the Derby and Thunder and boat races and sewer systems that stink in more ways than one and jail crowding and all. You know, all that x-largest city stuff and all. Well, see ya.” And, for their trouble, we’ll let Jeffersonville choose which end they want.

The O Factor

OK, look, we already have a time machine from the Star Trek idea, so why let it just sit there like Barney Bright Derby Clock? All we do – this is so great! – all we do is send Mayor Fischer back to May 3, 2007 with tickets to “Oprah,” the day – now get this – the day she gave each audience member a bridge!

As noted, I desire no accolades. As David Letterman has said, there is no off position on the genius switch, and simply knowing that firsthand is reward enough.

– Fairleigh Brooks

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