All Hallows’ Eve is serious business. Although it is a decidedly modest celebration of national scale when compared to the merry leviathan known as “The Holidays,” a transcontinental agreement to shower disguised strangers with free candy is no mean feat, especially within a culture of markedly closed doors. But before we employ too much social commentary on the long-term repercussions of individualist modern American society, let’s focus on what really matters for contemporary and clever candy bandits: What the heck are you going to be, yo?
The do-it-yourself Halloween costume is a staple of the Halloween tradition, as Americana as apple pie and a triumph of crafting ingenuity. Never has the question of what one will BE – and all its existential implications – been so enthusiastically pondered by a mass population of human beings. Halloween is a free license to scrape the depths of your psyche and re-emerge for one night as a transformed creature, a tiger of changed stripes perfectly accepted by your brethren. The costume, my friends, is a profound symbol of psychological freedom. And, you know, it’s also a great platform for sardonic humor that wins respect and free beer in hip social circles. So how does one embrace metaphor, score candy, and impress others without selling out to Halloween Express? Search your soul, unleash your inner innovator, and read on.
For the Kids
It’s no secret that Mom and Dad probably lack the dough for that $200 Batman costume you found on Amazon. But this is a big night. You have other important social issues at stake as a kid of the modern age, a true and complete product of the 21st century – our future. I accept the fact that you never had to agonize through the landscape of dial-up Internet or worry about whether or not you shook your Donkey Kong cartridge a little too hard. We come from different worlds. But I can feel your Halloween dilemma echoing across the generational gap. It’s got to be cool. But while the sight of your Mom’s craft box may fill you with dread, don’t resign yourself to DIY dork-dom just yet. Where there’s technology, there’s hope, right? Well, maybe. You may be tempted simply to don your best ironic, self-aware disposition, sport a mustache, and go as your older brother who is in college. You may consider just striking a pose as an Instagram photo. But consider this first: A bad costume builds character. And character – i.e. personal depth – is something you’ll need later, whether you were raised around iPads or VCRs. So leave the cardboard LOLCat tag on the kitchen table. You’re working with more than just junior high hierarchy this year, my young Padawan.
Your Costume: Toys Your Parents Played With
1. Paper doll
You’ll need:
White poster board or foam board to create the dress outline and tabs
Scissors
Yarn or twine to tie around your waist
Strong glue or duct tape to attach yarn
Black Sharpie for drawing dotted lines
Markers or paint for decorating
2. Rubik’s cube
You’ll need:
A perfectly square cardboard box (Old TV boxes were perfect for this. Too bad for you!)
A box cutter for head and arm holes
Black duct tape to divide cube panels
Blue, green, orange, red, white, and yellow paint
That older brother to take you trick-or-treating
For the Hipster
I realize I can’t out-clever you. I used to have friends in art school, so I know better than to bother trying to match your creative wit. Your prowess as a true master of “the best costumes need explaining” is acknowledged. Halloween for your breed is built on the backs of cheap malt liquor and carefully over- or under-wrought getups. This combination is why Facebook exists. There won’t be any candy at your party, unless somebody brings Pop Rocks or Fun Dip in a strategically planned rendezvous of ‘80s nostalgia, so there’s no performance pressure to stay in the realm of the self-explanatory. (You’re going to buy discounted bags of fun size Snickers at Target tomorrow anyway.) Feel free to lead a politically-charged discussion while dressed as The Bachelor’s Degree I’m Not Using or elicit priceless blank stares as My Cat. If all else fails, everybody loves it when someone shows up as a legitimate Quailman.
Your Costume: a robot (but put a bird on it)
You’ll need:
Conceivably mechanical objects such as wire coat hangers, nuts and bolts, flatware, etc. or the motherboard from your old Mac
A wisely-coordinated and stylish silver outfit and/or swatch of cardboard spray painted gray, your choice
Bird stencil and black spray paint
A case of Mickey’s
For the young at heart (your Mom plus bourbon)
This is a party without pretense. Your husband grew the original bad ‘stache in the ‘70s. You’ve raised your offspring. You’ve had your affairs (most likely with your fellow party-goers) and those bygone days of youthful toil, folly, and confusion have given way to the blessed clarity of slightly older toil, folly, and confusion. But at least now you’re not embarrassed by it. Halloween is the perfect excuse to enjoy one of those simple and rare occasions in American celebration: an old-fashioned good time. This holiday does not demand you drop a grand on gifts. And obscure out-of-state kin need not be housed and fed. You’re free to get creative and spend your hard-earned time, money, and effort on Halloween garb that’s just plain fun – not a cheap French maid stocking in sight. However, you’re really no better at time management at 55 than at 25. And that brilliant idea to sculpt yourself into a living Lichtenstein – dots and all – didn’t quite manage to hold your attention as well as that top-shelf bottle of bourbon. Although, intentions are half the battle, right?
Your costume: cat ears and a tumbler of Woodford Reserve, neat
You’ll need:
Access to your daughter’s old dress-up clothes
A trip to the local spirits shop
Glassware
-Erin Day
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