The journalist is a 26-year-old, hometown-cloistered, liberal arts copout-degree-wielding man-child. But he knows his god-forsaken birthright. He knows that once a year there is a pile of booze-drenched flesh, encircled by chain link and horsemeat, that screams his name from the top of its portable toilets. He knows what Louisville’s black sheep buddha, Hunter S. Thompson, so famously stated: “The Kentucky Derby is decadent and depraved.” But he knows that it is his kind of depravity: Derby City debauchery incarnate and ever-burning.

There is a reason the lowliest and yet most numerous patrons of The Derby can only reach their purgatory playground by reinforced concrete tunnel: fear of unwanted escape. So unprecedented amid all of humanity is the infield’s unique combination of shamelessness, socioeconomic variation, and lack of toilets in adequate supply that its architects have understandably deemed it as likely a ground zero for the zombie apocalypse as any. But if you must – and yes, you must (birthright, remember?) – then these are but a few useful truths of which our bravest sons and daughters ought to be aware. This is not a melting pot, but a hot brown. And this hot brown is a hot mess.

Men and women have lost life for these.
Smile and be grateful:

Bourbon Boobies

For the ladies (and certain gentlemen): the bourbon boobies, achieved by filling plastic bags with bourbon and placing in either bra cup. Extra points if you siphon it via yellow Capri Sun straws.

Booze Baguette

For ladies lacking reinforced bras and all gentlemen: the booze baguette, achieved by hiding airline-sized liquor bottles in the centers of loaves of bread. Think Denzel Washington from “Flight,” if he had bothered to eat lunch.

Booze Binoculars

And then there is the hiding-in-plain-sight option: an alcohol container disguised as something else entirely. Sandals with twin flasks for soles are an option, but expose your open toes to the two-inch-thick mutagenic sludge of the infield at your own risk. The rarely seen but always treasured booze binoculars might instead be the item for you, especially for those who have examined their past decisions made under the influence of beer goggles and thought, “Hmmm, I could have done worse.”

Gear for infield pastimes:

Virtual Horse

Smartphone with a picture of a horse as the background – because it might be the only one you’ll see all day.

The Run for the Rubbish

For the practice of competitively running across the tops of portable toilets while people throw things at you, hereafter to be referred to as The Run for the Rubbish: Wear a good pair of tennis shoes if you plan to run. Bring a poncho for deflecting trash and other excrement. Pro tip for projectile-heaving spectators: Clementines make for particularly effective hurling items and can alternatively serve to ward off scurvy if, for some reason, you choose to eat them.

Lack of Dignity

No dignity and most likely a tetanus shot if you choose to participate in the typical mudslides on the hill behind the restroom building.

In all sincerity, items and strategies helpful for maintaining any semblance of sanity:

A blanket

A blanket for god’s sake. No, not a towel. This isn’t Douglas Adams. The British mind could not comprehend this madness.

Cash

A finite amount of cash and no credit card. Trust me.

Sunscreen

The ears, necks, and noses of infield denizens do not boast the protection of those six-foot diameter, fake-flowered head-saucers.

Water

Actual water, if only with which to waken less fortunate companions.

Magic Marker

Magic marker with which to scrawl on your stomach your name, address and last wishes, should your body later be discovered with no other identifying marks.

How to buy remedies online at best prices? In fact, it is formidably to find of repute apothecary. Kamagra is a far-famed therapy used to treat emasculation. If you’re concerned about sexual disfunction, you probably know about dosage of levitra. What is the most substantial information you have to know about levitra doses? More information about the question available at levitra dose. Perhaps you already know some about the problem. Usually, having difficulty getting an erection can be embarrassing. This disease is best solved with professional help, generally through counseling with a certified doctor. Your druggist can help find the option that is better for your condition. We hope that the data here answers some of your questions, but please contact physician if you want to know more. Professional staff are experienced, and they will not be shocked by anything you tell.