Dearest Timothy, The holidays are over – thank goodness. Here’s my problem: I hate exchanging gifts with my family. It seems wasteful, it’s completely stressful, and no one ever seems to receive what they really want. Year after year, I have proposed an alternative: Take the money we would spend on gifts and spend it to do something together as a family. We could go on a family vacation, spring for a family membership at Lakeside, go out to a handful of dinners together, you name it. Even though the whole family is stressed out and disillusioned by the gift giving process, they continue to veto my suggestion. Since I have the whole year to lobby them, how can I get them to leave this ridiculous tradition behind once and for all?
Darling, it’s hard to change traditions – very, very hard. There are always going to be people who are dead-set on sticking with tradition. What you need to do is simplify the tradition. Your idea of taking the money and going on a trip sounds like a complete nightmare to me. If you can’t even get the right gifts for each other, I don’t know how you’re going to get along on a trip. Why don’t you all just check into an asylum for vacation? Why don’t you just make it simple? Put everyone’s name in a pot and draw names. Everyone buys one gift. If you’re smart, you’ll ask that person for a list of things they would like. You don’t have to be a nuclear scientist to figure that out. Whoever came up with that idea was very smart and very clever. It’s a perfect alternative for those who have a lot of people in their family, as you obviously do.
As an aside, you guys could cut down on the breeding. Then you really wouldn’t have to buy so many gifts. Maybe that’s the real answer here: Get your whole family contraceptives or a year membership to Planned Parenthood. Have a good day.
My wife and I have decided to start a family. We’re both really excited, with a good dose of nervousness, of course, but we feel that we’re as ready as anyone ever is for this sort of life-changing event. There is one thought that continues to nag me though. I was a complete hell raiser growing up. I refused to listen, I got into fights in school, I got terrible grades, and I was generally mischievous to the Nth degree. I straightened out by the time I went to college and these days I’m what you would consider an upstanding citizen. You know what they say about paybacks. Am I destined to father a hell raiser myself?
I don’t think we have to pay for past sins. Besides, you’re not having the baby all by yourself, unless you happen to have both testicles and ovaries. Therefore, your DNA is going to be cut in half. The kid might be perfectly wonderful and completely contradict everything about you that is horrible. Who knows? It’s a crapshoot. Nice people have horrible kids and bad, nasty people have wonderful kids sometimes. That’s the whole thing about having a child. You’re right about changing your life – your life, as you knew it, is over, totally. So if you’re spoiled rotten, you should think seriously about having a child yourself. At the end of the day, I think you’re giving yourself too much credit. Don’t count that your DNA is that strong. Get over it.
I’ve had a big crush on a guy friend of mine for a while now. We’re going to the same New Year’s party. We’re both single. Should I make a move on him at midnight?
Why don’t you just get a room at a hotel and tell him you’re having a special New Year’s Eve party? When you answer the door, just stand there raw naked. That will give him a clue that you want to hump his bump. Why be subtle?
Get a clue. Do what you want. He may not find you interesting in that way at all, but if you’re friends, you’ll still stay friends. I’ve discovered that if you suddenly develop romantic feelings for a friend, you should be direct. Ask them point blank. If they say no, then you get to be friends forever and you don’t have to worry about romance interfering. You just cancel that out. Just be point blank. Ask him if he – I don’t know – wants to do the number? Jump the gun? Whatever you call it, I don’t care, just ask him. If he says yes, well, get busy, girl!
My husband gave me a really god awful painting for Christmas. Not only is it not my taste, he painted it himself. (He’s been painting lately – a phase, I’m sure.) So I really can’t tell him that I hate it. He keeps harping about how great it will look hung in our living room. The whole situation is a disaster. What do I do?
Do you think that Picasso’s wives and mistresses really loved his paintings? Hang up the painting. Your house isn’t a gallery. Not that many people come see you anyway if you’re that picky about everything. Just hang it up. He may get tired of it himself. Or you may discover that it’s a whole lot better than you thought it was. If it’s really, really horrible, just tell him, “We’ll try it out.” That’s all you have to do. Try it out. Leave it up for six months, then pour gasoline on it and set fire to it in the driveway. That will solve that problem, won’t it?
When someone has food in their teeth, you’re supposed to tell them, even if it’s embarrassing for you to bring it up the, because you’re saving them from embarrassment of walking around with a rotten-looking tooth all day. But what do you do when someone you care about smells bad? I have a girlfriend who seems to have no idea that she has a particular stench about her. She is a lovely girl and I don’t know how to tell her kindly and gently, or if I should even say a word.
Well, you could start by hanging an air freshener around her boo-tay. That would give her a clue. Maybe you carry around a bottle of Febreze. Tell her that her clothes are rotten. I don’t know. Maybe she needs a good bath? Take her to a spa! Maybe she has bad cologne? Bad deodorant? She just has BO – that’s what it is. Honestly, just tell her that there is something wrong. You have to come out and say, “I adore you, but I can’t stand that smell.” You’ll be doing her a favor. Can you imagine what happens when she is near a dog, with their sense of smell? They must run away crying and whining. Do her a favor. And do it for the dogs too.
Timothy Tidwhistle is an assumed name, but rest assured he is a very real person.If you need advice, send us a message at holler@thelouisvillepaper.com
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